After searching and researching high and low, and infringing several 1000 copyright acts, I’ve put across some of the finest behind-the-scenes stills of the surprise, actually shocking, hit. Enjoy, and remember that the truth is out there. In the form of regional language movies from which you can rip-off the story and make huge wads of money. Anyway, enjoy this truth for a change.

Fish, I must be getting old! I did not enjoy the movie!

Ever since that girl in the 9th grade dumped me for vomiting on her Linda Goodman's Love Signs hardcover, sun/star/zodiac signs and horoscopes are ought to get me. Everything's been heading south. This I realize is nature's way of giving it to people up the tailpipe for laughing at horoscopes. Horoscopes are not only scientifically sound, but in sync with Mother Nature and Father Whoever themselves.  

Their harmony with human subconscious and karmic higher-conscious states is overwhelmingly accurate, superseding mortal comatose and materialistic attributes that drive metaphysical phenomenon involuntarily, and not to mention as intricate as this totally badass sentence that I spent the last 20 minutes of my billable hours at work constructing.
So without wasting much space on inconsequential introductions, let me pen down the horoscope for the week:

Birthday Forecast: All those that were born in this week have Venus, the planet of beauty and pleasure, sitting in a strong position ruling your senses. But once you ask her politely to sit in another seat ensure that Serena doesn't take her place. The clarity of vision for your life in general is expected to get better this birthday. Because when wiping yourself off the pineapple cake that your so-called-pals smashed onto your giggling face, you will gain visibility as the cream comes off your eyeballs. Cleaner spectacles should help too.

Aries: Daring, risk-taking, energetic, friendly, careless, impulsive and childish is how Arians are. Wondering why your parents lied to you then, huh? Arians are the first of the zodiac signs which means they are very basic, instinctive humans. Most orangutans are Arians. You will have partial success in your endeavors this week. Getting to work with a partial moustache, or only one eye brow shaved, is not as bad as it sounds.

Taurus: Taureans are stubborn, stable, cautious, comfort-seeking, deliberate and slow. In your case except that last adjective, "slow", nothing seems to add up. Do not worry, though. Your week will not be slow. The speeding 18-wheeler will ensure that your frail body absorbs most of its momentum. Crawling on the road searching for your limbs and scattered intestines, you can get as deliberate as your zodiac suggests, and seek comfort in the warmth of your blood.

Gemini: Mercury, the planet of intellect and communication, rules this sign. Don't you just want to kill that son-of-a-gun chemistry teacher who said Mercury was something used in a kilometer? Or was it a thermometer? Or was it the physics teacher? Ah, kill them all! Such murderous thoughts will cross your mind several times this week. But the strong zodiac sign that you are, you’ll bring out your steely resolve and finally accept the fact that killing oneself is called suicide and not murder.

Cancer: Creative, generous, flamboyant, egotistical, selfish, attention-seeking and optimistic is how people often describe the next sun sign. You will have a terrific week ahead. Your growth will be unstoppable. Having a tumor the size of a football in your boob, and growing, is sure to get you all the attention you seek. Especially since you are a man. What else did you expect from a sign that is named so appropriately?

Leo: Majestic, like the lion representing your sign, you take pride in yourself. This week you will take this to the next level by trying to eat the children of your competitor like the lions do. Half way through the meal you will encounter a sudden thought that kitchen mice may not exactly be your competition in the true sense. Yes, they do eat the leftovers which your wife usually leaves for you, but they are in a league of their own.

Virgo: Virgo is known as the sign of service. You will do great service this week. Leaving the service door unlocked to your apartment complex will help your wife elope with her girlfriend. Standing inside the baseline, with the tennis ball traveling at over 120 mph landing inside the service box, you will hear a shattering noise before it breaks your box. The ambulance that pulls up to your tennis court will then accidentally run over the nice police dog on the service road. The policeman will use his service revolver on the guy who’s responsible. It would turnout that Virgo was known as the sign of service.


Libra: Librans require balance in their lives. You learnt this the first time you tried to ride a cycle. You bumped your head, but you kept at it. You learnt it again while trying to ride a motorcycle. You fractured your skull, but you kept at it. Now you’re learning it while trying to balance a four-wheeled car. Keep at it. With your balance you are sure to rear-end someone’s car and kill them this week. But no worries – in prison you are forced to follow a balanced diet. You’ll get well used to rear-ending in prisons, too.


Scorpio: Modern astrologers assign Pluto as the ruler of Scorpio. Ancient astrologers (unaware of Pluto’s existence) assigned Mars as the ruler of Scorpio.  Hell, if the experts cannot decide what you are, how do you even expect to have a future long enough to last a whole week? You were born and now it’s too late. Do you know what your most vulnerable body parts are? Reproductive organs and excretory system. How do you suppose astrologers probed into that piece of information, huh, sting boy?


Sagittarius: Never try to present Sagittarians with facts because they already have an unlimited supply which they gladly recite in rapid succession. How will your week be? “I will have only 56,987 people laughing at me this week. This is directly a result of me spending 57,567 seconds more in the bathroom rather than my showcase cage. The number of visitors to my side of the circus will also reduce a 49.2376 % due to the rapidly growing stench from my toe nails. Number of days without someone calling me a freak: 00.00008365.”


Capricorn:  Somewhere between the intellect of capris and the chutzpah of popcorn lies this ambitious sign. You will feel the power of the Saturn ruled sign this week. Ramming your head repeatedly into a mountain may have worked for the mountain goat that represents your sign, but for you it just leaves a bad headache. This kind of behaviour may turn you into the greatest personality of the sign Idi Amin. But the chances of you turning out to be like one of his charred bodies are much greater.


Aquarius: The astrological symbol for Aquarius is the figure of a man pouring water. The water is seen as mankind's collective consciousness. Or pee-pee as we call it in common language. Aquarians are ruled these days by Uranus. Note that even though the name of the planet contains an organ, it certainly is not the right end of where mankind’s collective consciousness is pouring from. Your week likewise will also have an end. It may not be the right end, but an end even so.


Pisces: Due to the lack of interest of the writer, and in more likelihood the reader, you are requested to pick your favourite choice from the list above. You can mix and match your death / insults from the platter that has been neatly spread over the other 11 signs and construct how pathetic your week is going to be. Special incentive of sparing you a doomsday prediction is up for grabs if you can come with an innovative way to die yourself.


Contest: Guess what my zodiac sign is and win a sneak-peek into my next nauseating post. Yuck will be delivered right to your inbox.

Winning a national level contest should make you feel proud. Winning a chance to meet with MTV VJs should make you feel nauseous. But anxious was the appropriate adjective.

Spain, the team that I had been rooting for the last three international tournaments, was finally on the brink. I just wanted to enjoy the match on a giant screen. The timing of the match meant that there was no way to watch it on a giant screen at sports bars or pubs – they all close by 11.30.

Watching it with MTV VJs on a large screen inside the largest store of the world’s largest sports brand had to do for now. Largely. 

I was the winner of this contest floated by MTV and Adidas. Two other winners were flown in by Adidas to be part of this bonanza. All of us were our respective cities’ Finger Football champions.  Finger Football is a simple game where you use your index and middle finger to dribble a tiny ball and score a goal on a miniature pitch.

The three of us were touted as the best in India. Laughing hysterically was an option that I considered for a while. Then realized that this was a marketing initiative – it’s against the law to have more than 10 % truth to any of it. Reassured I braced myself for a night of juvenile nonsense (excluding the final) that accounts for a lot of TRP rating these days.

Ranvijay Singh Is King and Anusha Klules were the two MTV celebrities we had the pleasure of being with.

As I walked into the Adidas store, I got introduced to three people:

  1. Ankit Agarwal: Winner from Kolkata. He was the typical Indian kid – 19, engineering student and totally enamored by MTV. And he thought Michael Ballack was a phrase used to describe unfortunate events.

    Michael: “I failed in the exam.”

    Ankit: “Michael, Ballack this time. With Gullack next time, you’ll pass.”

   He had as much interest in watching the Euro Cup final as an Arab has in buying sand.  He was there for the MTV VJs, and perhaps ever more, to put his pictures with them on Orkut (he already has).


  1. Siddharth Roy:  Winner from Hyderabad. He seemed like a hardworking, middle-aged man deciding instinctively to get involved in something cool. That’s until he told me he was just 25. He had bought the official German jersey from the store in Hyderabad. No wonder they made him the winner from the city. With the price on that jersey, I’m sure even the German football team wore cheaper imitations while playing in the final. Adidas owed this poor guy at least a trip to another Indian city.


  1. Harjeet Baweja: Assistant Retail Area Manager for Adidas. He was the ever-sneering sales guy whose sole purpose in life seemed to meet sales targets (can’t blame him either, but this is marketing my friend – there IS a difference, you know). “Hey, Harjeet, I’m cold and dying. Can I borrow the Adidas sweater to save my life?” Harjeet’s reply, “Mom, the sales enterprise software that we use won’t allow me to enter this purchase. Moreover, my inventory won’t add up. You can have my sweat band if you want.”


With these three and an MTV crew that was busily setting up the scene for the VJs to come in, I uneased into the setting.

The young, little journos (from the Indian Express, the Hindu and the Deccan Herald) were asking us these penetrating questions like, “So are you excited?! How well do you think Finger Football will do? Did you practice a lot?”

They were obviously here on the insistence of the PR agency – all they needed was some pictures and couple of sound bites from the VJs which in all likelihood they would never use.  I did my bit by giving them some dope which did not make me, them or the PR agency seem too lame.

Ranvijay and Anusha finally arrived. We were quickly introduced to them and they customarily brushed us aside, while the media went berserk clicking their pictures.

We were called to record a minute of fame with the MTV VJs. This was our moment when the VJs would chat us up, and we would provide our expert opinions.

The camera started rolling, and the first question was directed at Ankit, who was this close to passing out.


Anusha: Welcome to MTV and Adidas Finger Football. Today we have with us the champions from all over India. Let’s ask them and find out how this works.

Ranvijay: So, how did you feel beating a little boy in the finals of the Kolkata round?

Ankit: <Looking as if Ranvijay had suddenly dropped his pants down and revealed that he had 4 testicles>

Production Lady: Cut! Cut! Ankit say something exciting.

Ankit: <Still looking shocked and hurt at Ranvijay>

Ranvijay: Baby, your leg is still swollen <looking at Anusha>

Anusha: I’m going to go and sit – these lights are not good for my eyes.

Production Lady: <Pulling the mike from Ankit and teaching him what all to say>.

I: <Totally checking her out – she was the best thing about this whole ordeal. Hardworking, sensible and a killer smile>

More mayhem like this and later, dinner at Ebony, and we were ready for the finals on the giant screen. Spain won and everything was perfect.

Lessons to be learnt:

  1. Adidas may be the largest sports brand in the world (they own 48% market share - including Reebok of course), but it still hires wrong people to do the wrong job. Sales and marketing are two separate functions – don’t mix them. Because of Harjeet refusing to let us be part of the loyalty program and slyly giving me a Spain jersey which was not their official one, he’s lowered Adidas’ brand equity in my eyes. When actually it should’ve been the other way around.


  1. MTV is strictly for the birds. Anusha apparently made a ruckus when she was checked into a 4 star hotel and not a five star (Event coordinator lady was saying this). She did not let the mike technician place the mike jack behind her – she wants only Ranvijay to touch her there. I mean it’s good to be cautious for a girl, but this was really “bottom of the barrel” stuff.

Every other sentence that Ranvijay uttered to the press and on camera was a lie. “I went around the cities and saw all these Finger Football matches.” – Lie. “I heard you practice Finger Football a lot at work?” – Lie. “I saw you beat a little kid in the finals…” – Lie. I can only imagine now how much of a reality show Roadies is. Don’t get me wrong – I always thought the show was scripted - but seeing Ranvijay in action, I know that most of it is impromptu. No wonder it’s misleading the youth of the nation.

One good this about him is that he was supporting Spain. Even if he did not know if the jersey he was wearing was that of Spain or not.

  1. How can I not ask the nice production lady for a number? And if it is my girlfriend reading this, it is to know when the 5 minute promo would be aired on TV and not for anything else.

*Last names changed to save complete embarrassment

Excuse the formatting and the quality of the pic.

Welcome to another insipid TV game show featuring characters from real life who you must’ve encountered by now. Let me introduce you to the contestants first.

  1. PP: PP is a guy who believes in living life to the fullest. But if you don’t like Jesus, he believes you can die life to the fullest as well. When asked about why he should win this game, he replied: “I don’t believe in coincidence. I don’t believe in evolution. I don’t believe in science either. Dear lord, give me the strength to recollect what I was asked, and to answer that correctly…”
  1. Hottie Taneja: Hottie is the sort of dame that every guy at work or college or in another dimension would just like to, ahem, let’s say, know more intensely. She’s the girl that every other idiot on the planet seems to land, except you. When asked about why she should win the game, she replied: “I’ll tell you that as soon as you tell how my earrings look. Do they match my Louis Vuitton? And how about my Jimmy Choos? Anyway, I should win because I think I’m hot. If that’s not good enough for you then…”
  1. Nancy Noodles: Nancy is a charming, smart young lady who randomly turns into a sadistic, stupid bitch. Most men that’ve been in a relationship would vouch that they know Nancy very well. When asked about why she should win the game, she replied: “Because I’m tired of wanting to make all of this work. How many times should I remind you that the TV remote should be pointed at 180 degrees and not like you are doing right now? I should win because my friends and parents never wanted this anyway…”
  1. Exec Chidambaram: Exec is a black coffee; an Arrow Presidential Collection shirt; a conference call; a status update report. He is ambitious, and wants to quickly become a senior manager of the firm. When asked about why he should win this game, he replied: “Project planning is all about timelines, resources and deliverables broken down into achievable landmarks. My marketability and salability combined with my USP of effective capitalization of current trends will ensure unparalleled success in the short-term, near-short-term, almost-near-short-term, immediate-near-short-term and not-so-long-term…”
  1. Lech Lazzario: Like any respectable young man (if 31 can be called that) Lech likes women. He likes them in the office. In the elevator. On the road. He especially likes them in the privacy of his room. If only the women also liked him back. When asked about why he should win this game, he replied: “This is very important to me because I love the curves on this font that you’re using. ‘Using…’ I could think of a million ways in which you could ‘use’ me. Or I could put you to good use…”

Let’s start the game already. We’ll make up the rules as we go along.


First question to win some amount of cash which you will not win anyway:


A for…?


PP: A for Apple - the forbidden fruit that should be banished from earth. The Garden of Eden and the serpent and this fruit – they have deprived me of being with my Lord all the time. I hate apples, unless of course if they belong to Madonna. The singer, I mean, before your impure mind garners any blasphemous thoughts.


Hottie:  A for Apple - the color of my diamond-shine, liquid-crystal, sun-sizzle lip gloss from Elizabeth Arden. If that’s not the right answer, I think we should kiss and make up. Makeup, get it? You better laugh – I used up my month’s quota of 220 watts of brain energy to think that one up.


Nancy: A for Apple - the fruit that you said you would get from the supermarket, but could not because they were out of stock. How could you not have gone to the farmlands only 600 kilometers away and get them from there? No, but you do want to sit and watch your soccer game no matter the apples for my skin peel are available or not.


Exec: A for Apple - the one brand that beats analyst estimates annually by launching an avant-garde product. Like this fiscal they launched the I-MAX. And in the last quarter there was the smash-hit launch – I-Odex. Their global footprint in the entertainment and ointment segments is unprecedented. Someday I’m going to be competing with Rupert Murdoch the charismatic CEO of the firm. For a woman, Rupert sure knows how to be a swell top executive.


Lech: A for Apple - the plump, firm, juicy, sweaty fruit that you quickly grab and bite into. I love the apples that Neha Dhupia grows. And Charlize Theron. And Jessica Alba. And Mandakini from work. Hell, I love apples that any woman grows. And men too if they wear Victoria’s Secret.


Ok, last task for this episode:


Sing a love song.


PP: Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way

       Oh what fun it is to annoy folks with my religious hearsay


Hottie: Chaliya Chaliya Chaliya

             Ruh churalun main hoon aisi chaliya

             Chaliya Chaliya Chaliya

             Tujhe laga ki mein patjaun, tu hai choo..ya 

Nancy:   Every breath you take,

              Every move you make,

              Every smile you fake,

              Every step you take,

              I’ll be nagging you

Exec: Who let my CTC out?

          Who, Who, Who?!

          Who let my CTC out?

          Who, Who, Who?!!


Lech:   I wanna be your T-shirt when its wet

            I wanna be the shower when you sweat

            I wanna be your underwear

            I can even be your underarm hair


After that deplorable performance by characters that we come across everyday, it’s only fair that we put an end to this insipid another TV game show. Disturbing, isn’t it?

The one very frustrating piece that I could not guess in the darn MENSA quiz.


How I hate it.  


13 L in a B D

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13 Losers in a Burmese Dormitory


13 Lovers in a Babe

Current Mood: Feeling Better
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